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Miracle’s Free Business Ideas

Free Business Ideas

by Miracle Jones

Dreamshare

Logo by Jake Brower

A website where people upload each night’s dreams in great detail to a persistent database. The website searches for patterns in dreams over time using state-of-the art software developed to fight terrorists. The software psychoanalyzes you for a fee, explaining your fears, desires, and fetishes. The website also compares the nouns and concepts in your dreams to other people and gives you a percentage score for how much you are how plugged into the collective unconscious. Also, Dreamshare will alert you if you have the same exact dream as another dreamer, just in case this is a “warning from the great beyond.”

PROTIP

A combination of Grindr and PayPal that tells you exactly how far away you are from somebody who wants to buy you drinks or a meal. You can also list a “minimum price” that will tell people how much your time together will cost. This service will immediately become the platform of choice for freelance prostitutes everywhere whose lives will become slightly easier and more aerodynamic. The code for a blowjob will be “gluten-free vegan rice-pudding popsicle.”

Dynamite Brand “Strike-anywhere” Cigarettes


Logo by Joe Kendall

Each cigarette will have a phosphorous tip and be fortified by a stiff length of hard magnesium. The pack will also have a strip of sandpaper along the side. To light the cigarette, you strike the tip against the sandpaper as if you are lighting a match. The fortifying stick of magnesium will burn like a sparkler as you smoke. Fuck lighters! Your cigarette is now a fireworks display that shows everyone who the emperor of smoking is. The smoking hero is you!

Slushpile

An Etsy or Ebay for IP.  Creators can upload art, stories, songs, comics, screenplays, and editors can bid on them.  Instead of sending your work out to a million different places, a million different places can check one handy website to see what is available for purchase from the artistic classes.

Bukkolik Morning Sickness System


Logo by Lobesian Press

Science has determined that the reason women get morning sickness when they are pregnant is because their body is rejecting the DNA of an alien. Their bodies are trying to purge this infection the same way that it would purge any other infection. Science has determined that the only effective treatment for morning sickness is constant reinsemination by the same DNA, either orally or vaginally, until the body accepts this new DNA as its own. Since daily sex with the same partner is not always possible nor desirable, especially for lesbian couples, Bukkolik dehumidifes semen, like beef jerky, turning it into a white powder which can then be snorted or taken as a pill three times a day. One heavy load of dehumidified semen is good for thirty days worth of pills.

deaddrop.com


Logo by Jake Brower

A website that helps you draft a fully-legal final will and testament, asking you a series of questions about your estate through simple TurboTax-style online forms. The website also stores this will and testament for you. Every six months, you get an email from Deaddrop where you must respond with your code word within a month. If you do not respond, Deaddrop emails your will to everyone on your “contacts” list, assuming that you are dead.

Anonymoustache


Logo by Joe Kendall

An open-source, anonymous email website. Anonymoustache pops up as a simple window where you put in the email address of the person you wish to contact. Then you type your message and send it. The message is completely encrypted and untraceable, and the server is located on an international zeppelin decorated with the “Anonymoustache” logo (a friendly ghost with a big mustache). Perfect for affairs, hate mail, drug deals, or just bothering people.

Mad Hater


Logo by Lobesian Press

“Mad Hater” is a social networking platform which exists as a massive cloud of nouns, concepts, ideas, products, celebrities, and real people taken from wikipedia, the dictionary, and your facebook, twitter, and email. You tag the things that you hate, and if there is something specific that you hate, you type it in and now other people can hate that too. People who share common hates draw closer and closer together and are invited to “tolerate” each other, without revealing what those hates might be. Somewhere out there is a person who hates all the same things that you hate, and you ought to get to know them.

LA$HE$


Logo by Lobesian Press

Belts and neckties designed as sturdy whips, chains, ropes, and restraints for mobile S&M. Made from microfibers strong enough to dangle your victim from a hook in the ceiling, yet they won’t chafe or leave burns on wrists or ankles. Also they identify you as a willing proponent of a certain lifestyle. :”Is that a La$he$-brand necktie?” “Why, yes it is! Now down on your knees, slut!”

BADCORPORATEART

A website where people upload pictures of the shitty art in their offices and in the offices of people with whom they do business. Waiting-room art, “power art,” art hanging over you while you eat poppers and wings at Chili’s, sculptures of beheaded naked boys that you might find in the lobby of Morgan Stanley: no art shall be exempt from curation or criticism. To make money, you can sell ads or simply allow businesses to pay you large amounts of cash to remove smartphone pictures of shameful landscape paintings next to copy machines from your museum of organized contempt.